"I KISSED DATING GOODBYE"
by Joshua Harris
First, a few comments: I am concerned about and for the young people that I know, especially for those who have come under the influence of my ministry. It is my considered opinion that those under the immediate influence of my ministry are saved, but insofaras them understanding the spiritual life, that is, the moment-by-moment walk in Christ-likeness, and a yieldedness to God the Holy Spirit that produces the Christ-like life, there is little understanding among them. At this time, the spiritual life is little more than academic rhetoric to them. Alarming, yes! but understandable. Every born-again believer, including every young person, is going to travel the same path that leads to Christian maturity--and there is no easy road. It has been rightfully stated by many who understand this path that the way up is down. The path to Christian maturity is fraught with failures. The sad thing about this is that some of our failures carry with them greater consequences that do others, and one of those areas is failure in relationships--especially, boy-girl or man-woman relationships.
We are living in a period of history in the United States that is characterized by moral relativity that has produced large scale moral depravity. Moral absolutes are neither acknowledged nor adhered to. This did not begin with our youngest generation. We have been in a five generation slide away from truth so that our youngest generation is now the benefactor of distorted thinking that increased from one generation to the next. This being the case, my desire is to provide for our youngest generation some truth that I have gleaned from Joshua Harris's book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
I am going to extract information from several chapters of this book, and then pray that God, Himself, will lead parents and young people to this page. My hope is that they will learn something about the "dating game" being played by most of America's youth who don't have a clue about boy-girl relationships from a Godly standpoint. The end result of this ignorance is decisions made within the realm of dating life, the consequences of which are spiritually disastrous and lead to a baggage-laden life, all of which could be avoided if our youngest generation would just listen to wise counsel.
If perhaps after reading this page, you have questions, please e-mail me at brettell@brettell.org. My heart goes out to our youngest generation. Please, God, prepare their hearts to glean from this page those truths that would result in a God-honoring relationship with the opposite sex.
Let's begin our study with theTable of Contents.
INDEX
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Dating
Five Attitude Changes to Help You Avoid Defective Dating
Learning the True Definition of Love
How to Keep Impatience from Robbing You of the Gift of Singleness
How to Get on the Road to Righteousness
Four Important Steps for Getting on Track with God's Plan
Keys for Keeping Your Relationships Out of the "Romantic Zone"
How to Fight the Pollutants of Lust, Infatuation, and Self-Pity
What to Do When People Ask Why You Don't Play the Dating Game
Making the Most of Your Singleness
Character Qualities and Attitudes that Matter Most in a Life Partner
Principles that Can Guide You from Friendship to Matrimony
The Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating
1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily commitment.
2. Dating tends to skip the "friendship" stage of a relationship.
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young people from their primary responsibility of preparing them for the future.
6. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness.
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character.
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The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Dating
1. Embrace the beauty of total intimacy and total commitment in marriage.
2. Choose to build your future marriage on the solid foundation of friendship with your spouse.
3. Choose purity and the clarity that comes in relationship undistracted by premarital physical involvements.
4. Say yes to the joy, wisdom, and Godly perspective that comes from investing in family and other friends.
5. Choose to glorify God and serve your future spouse by using this time in your life to prepare for the future.
6. Embrace the contentment that comes with a heart of gratefulness and an attitude that seeks to make the most of today.
7. Choose to get to know your future spouse in a setting that lets you both see who you really are and what is your true character.
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Five Attitude Changes to Help You Avoid Defective Dating
1. Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love.
2. My unmarried years are a gift from God.
3. Intimacy is the reward of commitment--I don't need to pursue a romantic relationship before I'm ready for marriage.
4. I cannot "own" someone outside of marriage.
5. I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my body or mind.
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Learning the True Definition of Love
Three lies in the world's pattern for love:
1. The world's deceptions flow from the belief that love is primarily for the fulfillment of self, but true love is defined by serving others and living for the glory of God. Jesus demonstrated this kind of love by dying on the cross.
2. The world claims that love is based on feeling, but true love is based on obedience to God and service to others (John 14:15).
3. The world tells us that love is unpredictable and beyond our control, but true love is a choice we must make, just as Jesus chose to love us.
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How to Keep Impatience from Robbing You of the Gift of Singleness
Three principles are given to help adjust wrong attitudes toward the timing of relationships:
1. The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.
2. We don't need to shop for something we can't afford.
3. Any season of singleness is a gift from God.
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How to Get on the Road to Righteousness
Three principles to help you maintain the direction of purity:
1. Respect the deep significance of physical intimacy. Refuse to steal these privileges before marriage.
2. Set your standards too high. Cut off the opportunity for sin at its root, ad flee from even the slightest possibility of compromise.
3. Make the purity of others a priority. For guys this means we must start being "warriors" standing guard over girls' hearts. For girls this means doing all we can to guard our brothers' eyes being careful that we don't act, glance, or dress in ways designed to attract attention or show off.
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Four Important Steps for Getting on Track with God's Plan
1. Start with a clean slate.
2. Make your parents your teammates.
3. Establish protective boundaries.
4. Check who's whispering in your ear: your music, books, TV, and friends.
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Keys for Keeping Your Relationships Out of the "Romantic Zone"
1. We need to understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.
2. When spending time with members of the opposite sex, we need to be inclusive, not exclusive.
3. Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained.
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How to Fight the Pollutants of Lust, Infatuation, and Self-Pity
Three "pollutants" that we must guard against when it comes to relationships:
1. Infatuation which makes another human being, instead of God, the object of our longing. We must understand that no human relationship can ever completely fulfill us.
2. Lust which craves something sexually that God has forbidden. To fight lust, we have to detest it with the same intensity that God does.
3. Self-pity which uses feelings as an excuse to turn away from God and exalt our own needs. To combat self-pity, we must refrain from comparing, redirect our feelings into comparison and service to others, and use feelings of loneliness to draw closer to God.
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What to Do When People Ask Why You Don't Play the Dating Game
Three principles to help us communicate our decision:
1. We should communicate our convictions about dating with humility and a desire to please God, not to put others down.
2. You don't have to prove someone wrong to do what you know is right.
3. Our primary purpose for communicating with others should be their encouragement and growth.
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Making the Most of Your Singleness
We're given five areas we can prepare for while we're single:
1. Practice intimacy. In our homes and in our friendships, we should learn the art of sharing our lives with others by being open and honest.
2. Practice seeking God with others. To prepare for a dynamic spiritual life in marriage, we should learn to talk about and share our faith with other believers.
3. Practice financial responsibility. Now is the time to learn to manage money wisely. This includes saving, giving, and keeping a budget.
4. Practice parenthood. We should be observing how skilled parents raise their children and seeking opportunities to learn form them.
5. Practice practical life skills. We'll greatly bless our future husband or wife if we learn how to manage and care for a home before we get married.
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Character Qualities and Attitudes that Matter Most in a Life Partner
Two criteria by which to evaluate a person and are encouraged to maintain a humble attitude of self-examination.
1. Character which is defined by the choices and decisions that a person has made and makes each day. We can evaluate a person's character by observing how a person relates to God and whether or not the individual has a dynamic, growing, personal relationship with Him. We can also look at the way he or she treats others, such as authorities, parents, and members of the opposite sex. Finally, we can take note of the way this person disciplines his or her personal life regarding the use of time, money, and care of his or her body.
2. Attitude which is how a person looks at and reacts to life. A Godly attitude is expressed through a wiling obedience to God, humility, industriousness, as well as contentment and hopefulness.
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Principles that Can Guide You from Friendship to Matrimony
1. Remember your relational responsibilities. When you feel attracted to someone, remember you are not the "center of the universe," but your actions affect your relationship with the person you're interested in, your relationship with your family and friends, and your relationship with God.
2. Seek a deeper friendship first. Focus on developing a closer friendship with a potential partner before introducing romance. Don't change your routine; instead look for opportunities to bring that person into your real life. Wait to verbally express your feelings.
3. Watch, wait, and pray. If you feel inclined to deepen a relationship with a guy or a girl, it's always wise to take extra time to get to know the person better as a friend and to seek God's guidance. Seek the counsel of a few, older, trusted Christians (ideally, this should include your parents). Ask them to pray for you, and invite them to keep you accountable about your relationship.
4. Define the relationship's purpose: pursuing marriage. It's the guy's responsibility to clearly state the intentions and provide leadership and direction for the relationship.
5. Honor her parents. The man should show respect by asking the girl's parents for permission to pursue marriage with their daughter and inviting their perspective.
6. Test and build the relationship in real-life settings. This is the time for the young man to win the girl's heart and for the two of them to test the wisdom of their potential marriage. This period need last only as long as it takes for both to feel confident about getting married.
7. Reserve passion for marriage. Protect each other by refusing to physically express your love until the proper time.
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